Before I had Eleanor, before I even was pregnant, I vowed to keep She Sows Seeds as a country lifestyle blog – some craft, some crochet, sharing recipes and stories of farm life, I didn’t really want to become ‘a mummy blogger’. For some reason I had it in my mind that this little space of mine on the web should stay as it was. If it ain’t broke, why fix it and all that. Right?
Well, of course since having a child everything changes. And of course people tell you this, and of course you listen, but of course you have no real idea of what that means until you’re in the trenches of early mamahood. Sure, I don’t want to blog a whole lot of my daughter’s life (and my own for that matter), that fine line of privacy and all that jazz, I’m constantly treading it (my husband might say pushing that boundary a whole lot!) But after a few years of trying to pigeonhole myself into a blog ‘genre’ – whatever that is – I’ve come to the realisation that at the core of my blogging, my writing, my sharing here on She Sows Seeds…I am a personal blogger. Yikes! Light bulb! And I’ve just had a baby. And I share my life with my readers. And obviously Eleanor is a huge part of that now. And so I’ll write whatever I please, about Eleanor, not about Eleanor, about motherhood, not about motherhood, there will still be pretty pictures, still be yummy recipes, still be things I don’t share as well, still be snippets of farmy things even though we’re not ‘on farm’ anymore. But that’s the point isn’t it? Evolution. Moving forward. Change. It’s the one constant, that pesky change.
Last week I had a really rough day, bunkered down in our little farmhouse, the farmer boy was away up east working overnight, of course the baby wanted to be rocked to sleep for 20 minutes…to reward me with a 30 minute sleep. I stood rocking her, or trying to rock her thrashing overtired little body, in her dark nursery, and the knowing that I had a long night alone ahead of me, for the first time in my 15 weeks of mothering I cried. Not because I loved Eleanor so much, like I did in the early days of her life – I used to just stare at her newborn face sleeping and cry big heaving hormonal tears. But that afternoon she broke me, I just couldn’t rock her anymore without having a little cry to myself. I felt enormously better (of course), she went to sleep (of course), I shared a glib photo on Instagram (of course) and was flooded with messages of support from my online mama village. Mostly all thanking me for ‘keeping it real’, for not showing another bloody photo of a smiling happy baby, another pretty little outfit she’s wearing, a perfectly styled nursery. Just real, every day, early parenthood stuff. And I realised I should just get over my blogging funk of whether to bring my personal parenting journey into She Sows Seeds or not, just write whatever I bloody well like, not worry about how many flipping unique visits I get or SEO or trying to get the perfect photo for the perfect blog post topic that will attract readers or any of that crap. It’s my blog and I’ll do what I like. And I like being a Mother, and I like all the other Mother’s who visit here (and the non-mama’s like who I used to be!)
So…there you have it. Consider this blogging funk de-funked. And here’s a photo of my desk completely as I found it, crap all over it, to-do list a mile long, bills to pay, Eleanor’s birth announcements sitting idle three months after her birth, dirty camera lenses, a diary full of weekends with parties, weddings, stuff, almost up until Christmas. My house needs cleaning desperately, I need to cook dinner, washing continues to pile up, the baby continues to need cuddles with a nasty cold, I have the same cold and sound like a drag queen, my head feels like a bowling ball. I don’t need to be blogging the beautiful right now, or maybe ever. I just don’t. And that’s ok.