Here it is – the post which has been two years in the making. The post which is the follow-up to this controversial post. Would I now change anything written in that post? Not a thing. That was my Mothering truth during that time, no apologies.
But these past seven weeks, I have found Mothering hard.
Really, bloody hard.
The early days of parenting a busy demanding toddler and a newborn who screams a lot has sent me to the wall. It has had me digging far deeper than I thought I even could or had within me, but somehow I did. I have cried big, ugly, heaving tears and said multiple times to my husband: “I can’t do this.”
Sleep deprivation of the torturous type, it really is something else. Next level sleep deprivation sends anyone into an emotional train wreck, let alone a hormonal post partum Mother who has this tiny person screaming all the time. Wooo….
Harriet Gwen, 8 days old
Harriet’s entrance into the world heralded her temperament: a little bit dramatic! She is the baby that Eleanor wasn’t. She needs to be held, she needs to be rocked for hours and hours to sleep, she doesn’t feed as efficiently as her much bigger and stronger big sister, she cries and cries for apparently no reason. She is, of course, a newborn. Where Eleanor was placid and content from the day she arrived into our arms, Harriet seems wired (overtired!) and clingy. She needs me more than I ever thought another human could need me. Her little self has screamed to be held, to be fed, to be I don’t even know what…I said to Matt the other day that the kind of cry that Harriet does I think Eleanor came out with maybe two or three times, and I was beside myself with what on Earth could be the matter…with Harriet, it’s a daily occurance. I am now a bit immune to the oh-so-different temperament of this second daughter of ours.
And amongst the rocking and feeding and shouty business that is Harriet, there is Eleanor, under my feet pleading “Play with me, Mummy? Mummy? Draw, Mummy? Play, Mummy? Peeees Mummy!” I have been broken in half the past seven weeks, and my little blossom has had to grow up. Simply getting Eleanor in and out of her highchair or timing a nappy change for Eleanor with when I could possibly put Harriet down for a few minutes has required military like planning. Eleanor’s also never watched so much Peppa Pig or eaten so many Sakata’s in her life. These early days of Harriet’s life have been filled with pyjamas, bleary eyes, re-heated coffee, a short fused Mummy, ABC kids and Eleanor being told to eat whatever she could forage from the lower pantry shelves for lunch. I know that Eleanor is fine, Matt tells me daily she is just fine. After all, her ideal day is watching Peppa Pig and eating biscuits with gay abandon! But the mama guilt has hit hard.
Our peach Harriet, 4 weeks old
I can almost hear all the looks of ‘told you so’ shooting my way – the second child knocking me down a few pegs from my parenting highs of the past two years. Yes, yes, I had a good run, but that doesn’t make these long days and even longer nights any easier. That’s not very helpful right now, to me or to little Harriet. Lots of people have commented that it is perhaps not the best to have the ‘difficult’ baby second, I’ve done it back to front! I was lulled into a false sense of security with contented Eleanor. But…I did know she was a bit of an anomaly. I knew she was one out of the box. And Harriet is, by all standards, a completely normal newborn baby. I’ve just been thrown a curve ball with this second girl of ours! I said to my mama tribe mum’s group girls yesterday that if Harriet was my first child I’d think I was doing something wrong. That something was wrong with her, or me, something was wrong and that I was failing. But coming after Eleanor, and treating them exactly the same as each other, has me realise that they are just different beasts entirely. I know I’m not doing anything wrong, or failing, I’ve raised a little human before and I’ll do it again. The one thing for sure that I’ve learnt over the seven short but loooong weeks of her little life: Harriet is not Eleanor.
And thank goodness for that, you know?! Matt especially is often saying things like “Eleanor didn’t do that” or the even more dreaded “why can’t she be more like Eleanor?” (Let’s not go down that path shall we? Good.) But no. She is Harriet. And wouldn’t it be a dull old world if she were like Eleanor? Of course I’ve had many, many moments of wishing she’d self settle like Eleanor did, or be happy to not be held just literally for 30 seconds, but I know I’ll be happy that I’ve got these great contrasts of daughters. Chalk and cheese from the get go, their very own little personalities, each defined and strong in their own unique ways. I know they’ll make life interesting and full to the brim with their contrasts.
Harriet has taught me more about being a Mother in seven weeks than Eleanor has in two whole years of parenting I think. Actually, I’m sure. I am a different Mother because of these early hard newborn and toddler days. A better Mother…eventually. Not today. And maybe not tomorrow. But this digging deep business has been confronting and scary and hard. Bloody hard.
Harriet Gwen, 8 days old
So there. Mothering = hard. Harder than I ever thought. The newborn/toddler combination has brought me to my knees in my Mothering…but at seven weeks I think I am beginning to stand up again, dust myself off and soldier on to brighter, dare I say it, easier days of Mothering like I’ve experienced with Eleanor. But tomorrow I might be on my knees again. Ebs and flows and all that.
It’s ever changing and evolving and every day is obviously different. But that’s half the fun, right? Right?! To be honest, currently I’m just hanging on for dear life, shifting gears into pure survival mode and trying to enjoy the ride…
Anne says
I remember those days well! Just take each day as it comes and look after yourself
Michelle says
I was thinking this morning,( in the shower of course- my two minutes to ponder!) about judging from behind a computer screen. After 15 years in a relationship I definitely have changed my tune about a fair few things. Number one is even if I don’t agree with someone is trying to see from their perspective. I don’t agree with a lot of mums attitudes but I empathise with their truth, how they feel. I remember before kids, thinking why is it so hard for Mums to have a clean house for god’s sake. You bitch I now think of former me!
I was in childhood bliss for 9 years. Easy peasy little girl. Biggest thing she slept in her own bed from day one. Never shared my bed. Even now as a teenager she is so loving and nice!
Number two daughter is a riot. She makes us laugh and is so happy. But I am over sleeping on the edge of the mattress. I’m fatter this time around, bones are weary and so so tired. She is on 24/7- it never stops. Toilet training- my god, toilet time never ends!
Is that her fault though? No, she is just living her life and I’m going to suck it up. The mum down the street might feel differently about her coping skills but I’m not going to pfft about her. Because I know in 20 years time we will both have the same bittersweet pain in our hearts about where did our little ones go.
But I will enjoy my sleep ins.
Big hugs to Mums and Dads and guardians. Little more love going around instead of bitchiness might sound corny but corny never hurt anyone.
Tracey B says
Hi Emma – your story is similar to mine. My first Bub was so easy, he did everything well, feeding, sleeping, teething… I couldn’t wait to have another baby. Thank goodness breastfeeding stopped me ovulating for a reasonable amount of time. When Bub #2 came along just under 2 years later after a very difficult pregnancy, it was a completely opposite experience. He screamed – a lot – he was clingy and needed holding and rocking for hours, he had trouble feeding but we persevered, I struggled – a lot. I didn’t want to ask for help because I thought that would mean I had failed ?
I did end up being treated for PND – but what I want to say to you is that it does get easier. My boys are now 17 and 15 – #1 Bub is soon to finish year 12. I’ve managed to raise 2 lovely well rounded young men who are still complete opposites ?
The sleepless nights and them screaming when you don’t know what they need… Those are not the things you remember when they’re on the brink of leaping into adulthood. You remember your beautiful, tiny, cuddly bundle of joy with milky smiles as they wrapped their tiny fingers around one of yours and looked deep into your eyes and melted your heart.
Don’t feel guilty, sleep when you can, time might feel like it’s dragging at 3am, but in reality it’s flying by. x
Jo @ CountryLifeExperiment says
Hi Emma,
No words of advice, because I’m sure you’ve heard them all before. You’ve been in my thoughts as you’re doing it tough. Keep on going, You’re doing an awesome job.
Jo xx
Kathy says
Parenting a 2nd child whether they are easily settled or not is much harder because you have another little toddler….with your first you have the luxury of sitting on the couch feeding for how ever long. I think the sleep deprivation, hormones and normal motherhood is enough to send anyone around the twist….as you say each baby is different and parenting two little ones on no sleep is very very tough. You can see why sleep deprivation was used as a means of torture…..you’d do anything to be able to go to sleep. I really think the sleep school and nurses can help you work out how to get her to settle herself and they will pick up on other things that is stopping her doing that from a medical point of view. I say the sooner the better because your life will be changed. You are doing well and mothering is extremely tough there’s no doubt about that..reach out and get the professional help for the day stay sleep school. Exhaustion is crippling….she is a beautiful little thing though. Regards Kathy
Reen says
Emma, as someone who was in those trenches several years ago now, your post brought all those memories of the early days back. I remember being so completely low at one point, completely sleep deprived and resenting motherhood, because in my mind I was failing. All I can offer is that it will get easier, sleep will come and in the meantime, take all the help on offer and continue to seek support from maternal health, ABA, GP etc if need be.
Bec says
Oh gosh, I feel all the feels reading this – as this is me right now – I’m a week behind you in the trenches with number 3 (6wk old and 2 yr old and 4 yr olds). I have no amazing suggestions for sleep, after the first child, we just end up trying everything and mostly things we said we’d never do. I just keep saying to myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on and these hard days will pass. Yes my older two may watch more tv and eat more biscuits and packet crap than I am comfortable with right now, but they’re loved and looked after (albeit by a weary, crabby, frumpy, shouty lady). Thankfully these little people are also resilient and forgiving. This is the best we can do for them right now and the super fun mum moments and sweet memory making times will come. One foot in front of the other mama, we’ve got this.
Rosie says
Oh Emma, oh lovely Mumma, I’m actually in tears for you as this is SO how I felt and it was SO HARD! So hard I actually thought I had PND, but actually, after an emergency appointment with my doctor, made by the MCHN, discovered I was actually just really, really tired. Sending you all the strength I can muster after another challenging day with my 2, one once sweet, one forever beautiful but hard work, boys. May sleep come your way soon, and you can face the Spring, ready for watching little ladies grow.
Janelle Foote says
You are so right! Our battle scars make us stronger! From one mumma in the trenches to another. Xx
Ang says
Hi Emma, first, a big thumbs up to you – keep going, you are brave and capable and will get through these hard days. Second, I admit I was not a fan of your earlier post, for obvious reasons. I have two kids myself, and they are an absolute joy, but it has been hard too, and I have taken comfort in knowing there are other mums out there who have struggled from time to time. When my little girl was a baby, she wanted to be held a lot, didn’t want to sleep during the day, and would not go to bed at night unless she was next to me. I just wanted a few hours without her on me! I ended up wearing her in the Baby Bjorn most of the time and just gave up trying to get her down during the day. She turned into a very independent toddler who was a fantastic night sleeper. My son was diagnosed with ASD at age four and that brought its own challenges. I think that having struggles (and sharing them) makes us better parents, better people generally and most of all, more insightful and tolerant of others. A blessing, really. Best wishes and I hope you get some sleep tonight!
Clara says
As someone 2 years further down the track than you, with a 2nd child very similar to your Miss Harriet, I just wanted to say hang in there. There will be good days and bad days and catastrophically awful days, but you will all be ok. Eleanor is learning so much by watching you patent and by being more independent, you are being the best mother you can be. We forget that we have to mother differently (and with different standards) second time around as we are parenting 2 children now.
It does get easier. And sisters….. Well, to see the sisterly love blossoming between my girls is the best, most heart-exploding thing ever. It *almost* makes up for 2 years of sleep deprivation and no time to myself.
Emmaonafarm says
So you had your a-ha moment and kudos to you for actually acknowledging how hard this baby gig can be sometimes depending on the little person. I guess it makes you appreciate how “easy” E was ….. I know my fourth girl who was the dream baby was and lulled me into a sense of superior parenting which I was quickly snapped out of when her younger brother arrived and took virtually the exact same pattern as your Miss H …… It passes and to be honest in he end your barely remember these days otherwise there would be a lot more only children in this world lol!
Julia @ ChicToDo says
Harriet sounds a lot like my daughter. Babies are hard, man. The hardest thing in the world. Hoping your days get a bit easier soon.
Jane says
Dear Emma,
Your post has left me with a little tear as I resonate with you and your mother guilt. My first born beautiful Eloise, a clone of your Eleanor in the perfect baby sense is now 24. She became a big sister to very premature twin boys before she was 2 and my little princess had to grow up so quickly but even though I felt such guilt, she is a wonderfully independent young woman, living in Melbourne far from us in Tasmania. Can I just say you are doing a marvellous job – mothering is not always easy but it is the most rewarding job in the world. Some days are tough and you feel like you can’t do it anymore then you get a bear hug from a toddler, a little I love you from your big girl and a big smile from your baby and then life seems so much better. Eleanor will develop such resilience from this experience- such an important life skill. Your babies are lucky to have such an honest, caring, devoted mum. Leave any guilt behind (my daughter still loves me even if I feel I abandoned her a little). Take care, Jane
Amy says
Love your honesty in this very personal post. What lucky girls your daughters are to have such reflective and devoted mummy. I just wanted to say that my sister and I are like chalk and cheese! I was a fiery firstborn and my sister a chilled babe. We love each so much, even now we are opposites. I value her sweet and quiet ways and I think she likes that I voice my thoughts. It will be such a wonderful relationship your girls can share because they are different!
Lisa says
Oh, Em. You have not been far from my thoughts of late. Hang in there, this to shall pass. Seasons, right? Certainly doesn’t make the winter feel any less cold at the time though. Love and hugs xx
Elisabeth says
Oh Emma!
I know exactly how you feel, my first baby was textbook everything, the easiest bub, child and now adult. His younger brother was just like your Harriet, nearly did my head in BUT he has given me the greatest joys with his highly spirited nature. I think the best advice I can give is to not compare your two girls, they are individuals in every way and you will love them for those differences, one will challenge you where the other didn’t and one will make you proud in a way the other wont.
Just love them with your fierce mama love and know that these hard days will go by so quickly and one day you may wish you could back there just for a bit ( I know I do!)
Take care of yourself. x