‘To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow’.
Pinterest tells me it was Audrey Hepburn who said it, but Pinterest tells me lots of untruths, so who knows. The point is that I am yet to plant anything in the actual sandy soil here at our limestone farmhouse.
That says a lot.
I’ve been waiting and wondering. Finding our feet. Fumbling in the dark. Trying to be patient whilst my nesting instincts screamed out for a home. To be honest I’ve been waiting for the lightbulb moment, the one where we either go ‘yes, this is where we are meant to be’ or ‘we have made a huge mistake’. But let’s go back a bit first…
After over a year of being ‘homeless’ living on the road during our around-Australia honeymoon I was more than ready to put down roots again. During that time we tried to nut out what on earth we were going to do with our one wild and precious life…where did we want to live, what did we want to invest ourselves in, where was our place in the world, where would we start a family, put down roots. We talked a lot. Prayed, threw ideas out into the universe and asked for guidance. I don’t talk about my faith here, or with many people, I don’t think it’s something my blog readers are interested in nor need to be a part of. But Jeremiah 29:11 sustained me when I wondered what we were doing, where we were going, and it is still my daily mantra. Whether or not you believe in a higher being, the essence of the words remain the same.
We had thought we had it all figured out before. Then it fell apart. The year away was about putting it all back together again, and then this year was about putting it into practice. I thought when we came home some sort of ‘a-ha moment’ would strike and we would live happily ever after. Of course. Isn’t that the way it works? Oh Emma. I’m starting to realise that our year away of self-discovery can’t be boxed up and filed away, neat and finished. It will be forever ongoing. It’s this weird little thing called life. Decisions, changes, plans, wrong turns, right turns, choices. Life.
Lots of our friends and siblings have done the obligatory trek to Europe in their early 20’s, lived in London for awhile, maybe a Contiki tour, eat some baguettes in Paris, go to Oktoberfest, the usual. When they return home there’s that twitchy phase, everyone recognises it, they’re unsettled, they missed home but now they’re back and nothing seems to have changed. Yet everything has changed.
We didn’t do that Europe trek after uni, we worked instead, fell in love, got some dogs, got married, worked some more. But I’ve been feeling like that recently. Unsure, unsettled, questioning. We left after getting married in late 2011, now 18 months later so much has changed, but so much is the same. It’s strange and unsettling and it doesn’t sit well with me at all. For the past four months since moving here I’ve questioned whether we made the right decision. We’ve recently made the decision that yes this is where we are meant to be. For now. Simply making the decision is freeing and revealing all at once.
Soon I will plant some things in my garden in the ground. Yes, I will. And I will bloom wherever I am planted. Sometimes making the decision to bloom is the hardest part though.
Harriet says
Awesome, refreshingly honest post.
Jade says
Hi Emma, you really struck a cord with me today…
My husband and I met very young, we went straight from study to working full time, bought a house and settled down. I think because we had unsettled upbringings, this was very important to us then. But now that we’re approching the big 3-0 and have watched my 20 something sister pack up and move to London we’re starting to feel like maybe we missed out on something. I guess now that we can afford it the urge to travel and experience life in different places has really started to become a reality for us, we want it now before it’s too late i.e. when the kids come along.
So while we start thinking about packing up our life and selling our home and feeling worried and stressed about the reality of this, I’ve made the decision that those settled/homely feelings don’t come from where you live but from how you live, doing things that make you feel calm and content whether that be gardening, baking, knitting…you can do these anywhere. Now that the decision is made a whole world of opportunities has opened up for us and it is truly exciting.
So plant those seeds in the ground and enjoy watching them grow…for now 🙂
Emma says
You’re where I was 18 months ago when my husband wanted to head north to outback Queensland, I just KNEW if we didn’t do it he would always have this ‘what if’ niggling feeling. I didn’t want to be an enabler in that mentality. I love having my home around me, a nest to feather, the thought of uprooting that and being without home comforts scared the absolute pants off me! I’m so glad we did what we did and traveled for a year, it really solidifies what is truly important to you, not to mention the amazing new level it can bring your relationship to. I look at lots of situations and opportunities differently now. Good luck with everything, fortune favours the brave! Emma x
Anne says
Thanks for writing this and to the others who have replied. It has certainly struck a chord with me. I haven’t been off on an adventure … well maybe living in the outback was it but I have that unsettled feeling that feeling of not being home, not belonging. Being taken from the country and shoved into the city hasn’t made it easier. It certainly isn’t a place I want to be home for too long but nevertheless it is home for now. I think it is improving with time. We have planted our garden which I hope with time will prosper at least a little more than what it is now. I think making a place yours whatever that means is important. It is part of putting your stamp on a place, nurturing that need for a sense of belonging. I think you are right there is some plan for us even if we never know what it is and I also think it is right that we need to make the best of where we are and make something special of it.
Enjoy your gardening, dig in and get some strong roots growing.
Sally says
Hi Emma,
Long-time reader, first-time commenter 🙂
I felt particularly compelled to comment today because I think, as 20-somethings, we’re all going through this. I get it. And perhaps, like you said, it never really stops.
I think you’re in a particularly challenging situation because, unlike previous generations, it’s just not possible to buy your own farm and start establishing something now for the long term. That must be so frustrating, and I so admire your tenacity to pursue farming despite that.
It sounds like you’re well on your way to accepting and embracing the now – as transient as that might be. I look forward to seeing your new garden bloom. xx
Emma says
Hi Sally, thanks so much for commenting after being a long-time reader, I’m glad something I wrote struck a chord. I think you’re so right that it never stops, and that that’s ok. Emma x
Amy says
excellent decision. xx
Kathy says
I appreciate your honesty and sharing your thoughts as sending that out to the world wide web can be scary. I think part of feeling like home is time and belonging. Even if you stay where you are for one year planting veggies, having a garden now is home and living is important. I lived away from Brisbane for one year in Perth, then two in Sydney and then 8 years later was living in Melbourne for two years. In my mindset (because I love security and comfort) it was always “when I get back home I’ll do this” “no point in doing this because it’s not my house” etc. we are only here for a short time etc. In hindsight had I looked on those years away differently I may have felt more at home even though it was only home. It was always temporary so I lived that way. Had I been able to read blogs back then that I read now I would have managed the time better however I’m not good with change at the best of times and I love “my home”. Planting your flowers and veggies and calling home “home for now” will feel good no matter if in a year’s time you want to move. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
Emma says
I totally agree Kathy, I could spend the time that we are here wondering about what-if’s or I could actual go about things differently and perhaps create something a bit amazing and worthwhile. I think I’m going to do the latter! Thank-you, Emma
Sharon says
Emma, sometimes just making the decision to drop the what ifs and being content with what you have right now, and making the most of it, is the hardest thing to do.
And as for the garden: after all, all you are investing is a few dollars in the plants, and the rest is your time and care (and a bit of digging and shovelling!). Come what may, you will have the pleasure of nurturing your veges (or whatever you plant) and that surely is good for the soul.
Better sandy loam than a claypan…lots of mulch and sheep/cow poo and you’ll be right. Get scampering out to where those steers have been on the Lucerne with your shovel and feed sacks and get to work girlie!