It seems a long time ago now (probably because it somewhat is) but this time last year we started trying to have another baby. Eleanor was nine months old, I thought we would be 12 weeks pregnant by her first birthday. Two under two, the crazy people, crazy busy but happy, and all that…
…but then, nothing.
We conceived Eleanor so quickly, easily and without fuss that I used to joke that I sneezed and fell pregnant. True story. Just like that. Admittedly, I had never been on the pill (due to a chance of blood thinning/stroke with my focal orb migraines) so perhaps that played a part in our ‘success’, or luck. Seemingly fit and healthy in our mid-20’s, we fell pregnant with no fanfare or fuss. Just like that. I had a text book, very uneventful pregnancy with Eleanor. But never thought much of it at all. Oh Emma…
Fast forward a few years and I of course thought the same would happen again. It had happened the first time so we’d just do it again. Just like that. Most people I knew with young families seemed to just fall pregnant, my sister did, my mum had, my best friend was already pregnant with her second, and my other best friend was going to start trying to conceive soon. Great, I thought, our babies will be born around the same time. But then, Eleanor’s first birthday came and went. I wasn’t pregnant. I just wasn’t. The first two months I don’t think I even registered that it wasn’t happening, until I looked at a calendar and became a little perplexed. Why wasn’t I pregnant yet?!
Of course, a little voice in my mind said this is completely normal. I knew the facts, I read the statistics, it’s completely normal to try to conceive for up to 12 months before falling pregnant, you hear about it all the time. Not me though, I scoffed. I made babies! Just like that. I wasn’t one of those people struggling to fall pregnant, that wasn’t my story. Ostrich, head, sand and all that. Then another mum in my mothers group announced she was expecting her second baby. I went home that day and held Eleanor tight and cried and cried. Big heavy ugly tears. Why wasn’t it me? I dusted myself off and told myself that it would be third month lucky: we would be early days in our second pregnancy on our planned camping trip through the Flinders Ranges.
Our trip came and went, instead of celebrating a new life growing in me, I got my period and cried more tears. Why was it so hard? What was I doing wrong? Why was it different this time? Of course because I started to fixate on it and want it even more to happen, the lesser my chances became. My best friend fell pregnant, I was both ecstatic for her and bitterly disappointed for me. How conflicting. Of course people around me were falling pregnant left right and centre. Just like that.
I was still breastfeeding Eleanor. That must be it. Only three months trying, that’s nothing! (True). I had my trip away to Problogger planned for when Eleanor was 14 months old, she would be weaned and I would surely conceive a baby once I was no longer breastfeeding. I still held out hope that I would be pregnant at Problogger and pondered how to avoid the champagne flutes without raising suspicion. The trip came and went also…still no two lines on that pregnancy test.
When you’re trying to conceive, most reasonable thought goes out the window. You are no longer a rational person. The idea of conceiving a child consumes you. Everything revolves around ovulation, days become weeks waiting to take another pregnancy test. All of this was new to me, and I didn’t really want to be a part of it anyway. I conceived Eleanor so effortlessly, just like that – what was so different this time? Guilty thoughts about how much I took for granted my first easily conceived child and uneventful pregnancy. I didn’t want to have these all consuming thoughts about infertility, about trying for years for a baby, about perhaps never having another baby, Eleanor being an only child. All of these crazy thoughts swirled around and around in my mind, all now of course seem ridiculous, but at the time small things became big things. A woman trying to conceive a child, and failing, has such a clouded view of reason. I was living in a foggy bubble.
After 6 months of failing to fall pregnant, I went to my GP. The doctor would know what’s wrong! Reassure me and send me on my way with a special potion or trickery that somehow I’d missed last time in this baby making business. She did reassure me – that I had nothing to be concerned about, it was completely normal, and really nothing to ‘worry’ about until the 12 month mark. Twelve months?! I thought. Another 6 months of this torture? No, no, no. I needed answers, and to fall pregnant. Just like that.
Before trying, and failing for a little while, to conceive a child, I had no idea what it was like on the inside looking out. You think you know, you hear all the time about people who tried for years to have their child, IVF journeys, losses, successes, you nod and sympathise, hmmm…but really you have no idea how it really feels. And I in no way have a long and painful story of infertility, far from it. My journey of falling pregnant is completely normal and everyday. But nobody was talking about those everyday infertility struggles, all I heard was about years and years of trying…and failing. Was that what lay ahead of us? It was either those years and years of struggling, or falling pregnant just like that. Nobody seemed to be talking about or sharing with their mama tribe about this in-betweener stage, the trying for a baby for less than 12 months, being unsuccessful…but it being completely normal.
As I said, small things become big things. Every comment, mention, sideways glance about second babies: when are you having another one, Eleanor needs a little sibling, time for number two! was like a kick in the guts. I felt like screaming in people’s faces “don’t you think I AM TRYING!” I used to be that person, don’t worry. I would often make comments to others about when they were expanding their families, how easily I fell pregnant with Eleanor, how I loved being pregnant… I used to be that person. No longer do I make those comments. I cringe thinking about the times I’d spouted about falling pregnant by sneezing. You just never know who is trying to have a baby, you don’t know another person’s struggle, nor should you. Trying to conceive a child is an incredibly personal journey, emotions run high, stakes are higher. I had to walk out of a room one night after a well-meaning woman told me it was “time for another one!” Yes, yes it was time for another one. I know. I cried some more.
And of course, the best most well meaning advice is just to ‘relax and let it happen’. Which is just such hogwash to a woman trying to conceive a child. Did I mention how consuming falling pregnant became? Consuming. After eight months of this all consuming, roller coaster of emotions, my gorgeous husband saw how upset I was, how tired I was, how sad I’d become, he said enough…and took me on a surprise birthday weekend to Hobart. Not in order to conceive a baby, to do everything but think about conceiving a baby. No baby talk. No ovulation talk. But…quite literally, it was just what the doctor ordered…
Our Tassie sprout was conceived. Just like that. Of course, when I did stop thinking about it. When I did remove myself from the all consuming thoughts of baby making. When I did have a little holiday from my busy toddler – ha! People will tell you of the elation and joy of learning they are to be parents…for me, for our second pregnancy, was quite simply relief. Such sweet relief. There wasn’t anything majorly wrong, my greatest fear, and all of a sudden eight months trying to conceive a child seemed like the blink of an eye. It wasn’t a big deal to try for eight months, and it’s not, it’s completely normal. But especially after how easily we conceived Eleanor, those eight months were very confusing. Turns out conceiving our blossom could have been just a stroke of luck, but this second child, our little sprout – well, for this child I prayed. Long nights staring at our bedroom ceiling praying. And it has made me so very grateful for Eleanor, for our healthy pregnancy with her, for our very short stint of trying to conceive in relation to others stories.
So our second baby grows and kicks inside me, getting stronger and more real every day.
Just like that.
Shyleen says
Thank you so much for making this blog. My husband and I have been TTC our second child for almost two years now and I am at the end of my rope with my emotions. This year especially has been super tough with what it feels like everyone I know is falling pregnant. Reading your blog has given me better insight as to the way I should be thinking and that maybe I may need some sort of getaway from all the “baby” talk. Hope all is well with you!
Flick says
You are so right! It took us three years to conceive my first, who is now 13 months old and sleeping in his room. I went straight back to the fertility doctor to get back on the same meds that worked within two months – do NOT want to go back into that all consuming crazyness from last time!
You said it really well. And you’re right – people need to stop commenting on anything baby-making related!
Amy says
It was so nice to read your post (although very late) and know that there are many woman who feel the same struggling with some kind of infertility and that you’re not alone in these feelings.
Sadly it’s not something that’s talked about enough, although you get plenty asking “when are you having children?”, “Don’t you want children?”, “you’re not getting any younger, what are you waiting for?”
My husband and I struggled for over 2 years (all the while I was going insane each month, being passed by friends and family who were onto number 2 or 3 and or whoops we’re having a baby announcements, while we were still here so desperate for number 1) we went to the doctors as early as 6m in just because of my own medical past and after 12m were told there was no way we’d be parents on our own unless we went with IVF.
Now just over 3 years from when we first said “we’re ready for a baby”, we have our own beautiful little Harriet (19-6-16) and couldn’t be happier although we’ve already been asked “when do you think you’ll have number 2?” (Will people ever stop and think before they speak?)
Thank you for this lovely post for talking about what lots of people don’t talk about. I’m so glad you were able to have a positive outcome and didn’t have to go that next step (which I can tell you is a whole other ball game of emotions).
Hold onto precious girls and thanks again for a great blog x
bebewellness.com says
WOW!!! Congratulations!!! My husband and I are trying to have kids but we weren’t able to have one because of my reproductive problem but we never lose hope.
Prue says
Sorry it’s taken me so long to comment – I’m SO behind in my blog reading.
You’ve articulated this so well – first time, second time, anytime it takes longer than we think it should. As you know I’ve been through the same thing only in reverse – it took a good year to conceive our first, and then second time around I was already steeling myself for the bloody rollercoaster and then WHOOPS pregnant second month trying.
It’s such a tricky unknown business. Because I was already in my 30s I got LOTS of comments from all quarters while we were trying to conceive Joan: all the “what are you waiting for”s and “don’t you want children?”s. I got fed up quickly and, me being me, just started to bluntly say “Actually we’re having trouble conceiving” which shut people up really effectively!
Shannon says
We are due any day now (come on little one, we’re ready!) to have our second one after about 5 (long) months of trying. Completely understand the middle-ground in-betweeners worry, and completely feel for those who wait longer. Just wanted to wish all of those trying the very best of luck x
Emma says
Thanks for your comment Shannon, I agree, it’s such a strange in-betweener stage, but very very fortunate that we got there after a relatively short time. Good luck with your new baby! X
Carla says
We are trying for number 2 and only one month in I’m already feeling the way you describe. Like you, we conceived really easily the first time, especially as we were told it would be hard. last time it happened month 1 of trying. So I kind of thought it would happen easily this time too. I’m starting to get the comments about another one now my son is almost 1. I ask my friends but I’d never say anything to a stranger about it being time etc as it’s so hard to hear. I really hope we conceive soon – best wishes to you and congratulations x
Alex says
I could’ve written this myself, Emma.
First baby, boom. Shockingly quick. We’re pregnant already?? Sheesh, there’s goes the ‘fun in trying’ 😉
Second baby, hang on… What’s actually taking so long. We’re fertile people?!
Took 6-8 months to conceive our Mollie. Life was a bit harder, parenting took away the spontaneity and we were tired and stressed. And it took a while. But she was born, pink, beautiful, luscious locks and lips. Rosie, hence her middle name.
We loved it all so much, our #3 is a week away from her first birthday. Our Maggie. Now to tell my biological clock that 3 kids is enough and it’s time to hang up the ttc caper…
All the best with your pregnancy and how exciting, approaching life as a family of four xxxx
sandra jennings says
I have joked many many times that Stu just had to look at me and I was pregnant ( I’m so sorry if my silly comments ever made you sad Emma). And it’s true..with all 4 pregnancies first cycle we tried I fell pregnant. And I never tracked my ovulation either….
I will in future be so much more mindful of those comments. As I would never intend them to hurt anyone trying to conceive. I wish I could bottle my fertility and give it away.
But yes, 3 babies – 4 pregnancies with actually 5 babies. I did fall pregnant when Billy my first was 9 months old, with twins and miscarried at 9 weeks. Something I never ever thought would happen to me, and it knocked my socks off while I suffered in silence. I didn’t have any idea how to go about grieving a baby/s I never saw or had. And I still think about those babies some days…but I am extremely thankful that I could go on to have more..my three wild boys.
This mothering/parenting is certainly a journey!
K.athrine . S says
After 2 years of nit doing anything to stop falling pregnant but not officially going crazy trying, my first boy is now 4 and a half. For last 2 years I have been getting its time for another one, and in the last 8 months since my son has started a fascination with babies ‘he would make a great big brother’, I would get my hopes up each month then get disappointed. Finally I’m 8 weeks and counting but its still hard heari g all thoes comments and when I tell my story the looks an Ohs I get are hard to take. Its an emotional road, keep your chin up ladies!
Emma says
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Love your attitude and story of both conceptions, thanks for sharing X
Liz McKay says
Exactly what I needed to hear, 3 months in to trying for a second and having had a recent miscarriage. That’s a whole other topic we don’t talk enough about – how common it is to lose a pregnancy in the first few weeks.
Thanks for your words, I think it’s also so important during this time to hold onto the little ones we do have and be ever so thankful.
Emma says
Miscarriage is just NOT talked about nearly enough or widely/openly shared. I’ve never experienced it, thankfully, but do know how very very common early miscarriage is. Our whole trying to conceive experience definitely made me all the more grateful for Eleanor, and this baby eventually, which was probably some much needed perspective.
Amy says
What a beautiful and insightful post. And congratulations on your second pregnancy.
I needed to hear your words and regain some perspective. We have been trying for a second for 8 months too and sadly had an early miscarriage recently. We would so love a second baby. I’m sue it will happen for us too so it’s good to hear other mamas feelings on conception.
Emma says
Miscarriage is SO not talked about/shared openly enough like it should be. I’m very fortunate to not have had the experience, but I wonder how alone/failed I would’ve felt if I had’ve miscarried during our trying to conceive period. Glad you could relate, good luck conceiving your next little one X
MisRE says
I’m glad you managed to conceive your ever growing sprout, may your pregnancy continue uneventfully and a sweet darling babe be placed in your arms at the end!
“But nobody was talking about those everyday infertility struggles”
In relation to this though. You didn’t suffer from infertility, what you experienced was completely normal – 6-12 months of trying to fall pregnant and most doctors certainly wouldn’t class your experience as infertility.
I’m not trying to diminish your experience because trying unsuccessfully for a baby is heartbreaking when month after month you’re still not pregnant but please, don’t confuse a normal time frame to get pregnant with infertility because it’s not. People however do need to know (and hear stories) that regardless of how quickly you fell pregnant with your first, the second can take longer but still fall into the ‘normal’ time frame of trying.
Lastly, thank you for being so grateful for your relatively short journey trying for your second sprout compared to some peoples trying to conceive journeys. I’d happily swap 8 months with 12 years.
Emma says
Thanks for your comment – and I think you’re absolutely right, a poor choice of words on my behalf regarding ‘infertility’. We didn’t have an infertility problem at all, entirely my point, it’s just a completely normal case of conceiving a child. I learned a lot about ‘secondary infertility’ (again, poor wording I think) whilst trying to conceive the second time around. If nothing else our experience has made me so grateful that it was actually a mere 8 months compared to others journeys such as yours, 12 years is such a long time, I can’t even imagine. Best of luck, although even saying/writing that seems like such a flippant thing to say… X
Toni says
It’s been 11 months for us now the second time around and two of the other mums in our group have gotten pregnant since I started trying as well as two who have already had their babies. It’s hard but I’m trying to remind myself it’s nowhere near the 4yrs I waited the first time. So glad it happened for you.
Emma says
Love your positive attitude, exactly what creates a baby hopefully! Best of luck to you X
Kathryn says
I’m one of those that has conceived three children ‘just like that’….my first (11) and third (3) children are happy little surprises, with only the second (8) child actually ‘planned’. I don’t have your experience, or any infertility experience, but from the other side, I experienced negativity when we announced our third pregnancy. ‘Why would you want to go again?’ ‘But you’ve already got one of each, why do you want another?’ ‘Was it an accident or planned?’ I can understand to some degree these questions, but when you know in your heart, that three is your magic number, they become very hurtful comments. There may be well-meaning people out there, but some comments are just too hard to take.
I’ve watched your journey since Eleanor after stumbling across you on IG and I eagerly look forward to Sprout’s announcement x
Emma says
Yes! I can only imagine those comments, and also rarely talked about also, or brushed aside as unimportant when really they’re quite hurtful too. Thanks for your comment X
Lauren says
Ive been so very lucky to have two very easy conceptions which I have always been very grateful for, but after our second and knowing we weren’t done having babies, we went with the ‘not trying but not preventing’ approach…. but inside I wanted another baby NOW! So last month after two years of “not trying” I decided to just put it out of my mind completely. I put it so far out of my mind that only yesterday just after I self diagnosed myself with Dengue Fever (exhaustion, headaches, nausea) it dawned on me. Quick trip to the chemist and as soon as I got home… two verrry dark lines. I keep looking at it in shock!! But things really do have the chance to surprise us when we free ourselves from the fixation!
Emma says
Congratulations! Those sneaky little not-trying babies can creep up on you! Best of luck for your pregnancy X
Janelle Foote says
You are so right Emma! Very similar story to mine, but the other way around. It took us 9 months to conceive our first, but then fell pregnant straight away with our second, but I know exactly what you mean about the worry, the prayers, the over thinking and we started to try anything to become pregnant – old wives tales seem not so ridiculous when you want a baby and then just like you said, we feel pregnant when we least expected it! What little miracles babies are!
Emma says
Ha! Yes! Anything and everything seems entirely reasonable when it comes to trying to conceive a baby, weird warped sense of reality. Little miracles indeed X